2003

Welp I kept a Colleging and Partying on through the early 2000s until I had a major mental breakdown!  I had moved in and out my parent's house on a few occasions and semesters and it was just another one seemingly enough in the fall of 2003 when I moved into a rental with some guys I had a couple classes with and I quit sleeping.

We weren't partying too much and there was a little pot-smoking going down in the house, but not by me.  Just working about 30 hours a week, going to school full-time, coaching some football, and still doing the ninja training...  And it took a turn for the trans-mundane...

I was studying Chen-style tai chi from a video along with the tai chi Qi Gong I was taught the previous fall.  All of a sudden the movement were possessing me - I would move without mentally trying.  I would auto-move.  I started seeing auras around everything and like I said I wasn't sleeping.  One night I awoke and light - pure starlight was coming out of my fingers like rain sticking out of my arm while I was laying down and pouring into my mind and heart.  Then later at one point during one of these nights my body was possessed of a sort and went into a lotus meditating posture... It wasn't like FULL possession, yet if I removed my will from the movements my body would automatically move into them.  I realize this now as Maitreya Bodhisatva that this will occur again at the end of my life when enlightenment grabs me and turns me into a Buddha in the prophesied shortest time possible, 7 days.

I felt a great euphoria in this waking dream-state, but control was slipping into paranoia... I would spend a half of an hour lacing my shoelaces until they were just perfect - while I found the behavior odd I also was exploring so much of I could do with nuance.  One night I rolled all stable 7's in the I Ching when I asked it something about the end of the world.  I was beginning to know, but beginning to fear irrationally.

Then came a Friday November 7th, 2003.  I called in sick to work for the first time of my life because I felt so unstable.  I remember that Wednesday I lost cardinal feeling of North, East, West, and South and it took me 10 minutes to find my car on a pizza delivery.  I decided I could rest it off.  I felt like the World was ending.  I called my dad who was working in Minneapolis and I felt there was going to be some nuclear disaster and I would die and never see him again.  I laid in my bed and the posters on the wall, the eyes all began to glow and turn into large "alien" eyes.

I'd have paranoid attacks and I think this was related to a show I saw in the 90s that was about some day when machines would attack human beings.  I eventually went to sleep but awoke to intense paranoia in the middle of the night.  There were all these ghost blobs along the edges of the walls and ceiling, I went to the bathroom and the flickering noises of the heater and water-heater were driving me mad like they were going to blow the house and universe up.  I ended up in the stand-up shower climbing my feet up the side thinking it was some star-chart floating around outer space trying to get to other planets trying to help this one.

This fell into a vision of this floating outer-space "zord" made of gold-glowing souls all chanting "JESUS! JESUS!"  in a pounding rhythm like those slave ship drums.  They were talking to me.  They were rallying me, Jesus to save the world and I didn't want to do it.  I hated Jesus because he wasn't cool to Kurt Kobain, but I knew at the same time.  I knew it was me.  There was this leader who talked to me with sizzling electronic edges to his countenance and was like, "if you'd like to xy and z son all you gotta do is relax a little."  But I couldn't relax.  I was far, far, far from relaxed.  I remembered crawling in the what was left of the night back into bed.

When I awoke the next morning I'd be visited by more visions of beings and self-loathing and then went to the TV which I had unplugged but turned on by itself and would turn channels by itself along with my thoughts.  There would be Andy Griffith show type things juxtaposed with porno and emergency news broadcasts of airplanes falling out of the sky and dragons burning the world down while flying across the sky.

Through all the confusion I remember finding stability holding my acoustic guitar on the floor and I started picking "Heart of Gold" by Neil Young barely holding onto sanity.  This was a moment of clarity and I know now it meant my road to Laura Hartung, the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene.

I did not hardly eat or drink for three days and could not even tell that was happening.  I recall crawling up the stairs to the refrigerator and the wind and reality howling just like when Frodo goes into the shadow-realm when he has the ring on in Lord of the Rings.  I grabbed a box of pizza and went back downstairs.

I resolved "I was the one" a la the matrix and the lord of the rings and I had to run outside and fly into the air and defeat Yama, the devil.  I put my Ramones shirt on backwards so the Ramones had my back.  The room was trashed.  I blasted music and destroyed the television with a downward axe kick.  By then it was Sunday evening and one of my roommates returned from his weekend trip and had eyes that were bouncing up and down, exploding when he looked at me and the trashed room.  They called an EMT because they thought I was having an epileptic seizure.

The cops came down into the basement and I worried it was the government coming to kill me.  I recall fighting the police and one of them laughing in the car "man that kid could hit, did you see how quick he was??"  They put tape over my fingers I think to measure my heartbeat but also to keep electricity from coming out of them.  It took several people to subdue me and backboard me and take me to the hospital.

There I recall flatlining a heartbeat monitor a la the crucifixion.  There were men in black in the room, and several doctors amazed that I was going 1:40 between heartbeats.  There are several theories about Christ stopping his heartbeat and I had never heard of them before this night, they would freak me out years later but I kind of knew too.  I was playing possum.  I was so paranoid. One touching part was when my brother came into the hospital after he was called and they told him to tell me he loved me.  Every time he did that my heart would beat and the heart-monitor would beep and he would look at it until a doctor said, "ok that's enough."  The one man-in-black in the room stared at me with his hand turned into a gun pointing at his head and telling me he'd shoot me if I tried to run, sort of.  I know also those guys were meant to protect me from myself and weren't really against me.  There were others patrolling outside the room and making looks inside.

I spent the next week in a psychotic hell cage of other patients from meth and what have you freaking out and being administered copious amounts of psychotic drugs and wanting to die.  I remember being catatonic and falling down and being paralyzed and then moved into a room where I couldn't move and yelling "help!" "hellllp!!!!"  I awoke after that low point and had motor skills again.  That was "bottoming out" of sorts.  My parents had taken time off work to help get me out of the hospital and were visiting me.  One night when they visited I saw time go by me in fast forward while my parents moved in regular speed.  There were these commercials where I think freemasons were trying to get me to get on the phone and make stock-market predictions while I was in this mystical state, but that was probably just the general paranoia.  There was this malevolent-looking man listening when I told my psychiatrist what I was seeing when I went crazy.  I told her I was trying to "balance all religions."  She just said latter I was "saying a lot of things about God."

I eventually got out and put on risperidone and got out of the hospital for a trying time, ostensibly to be on the drug for life.  I dreamt strange dreams night after night - some where I was told I had to lead the world but I didn't know how on these upside down leaves.  I was a wreck, fully-depressed.  I was completely dead inside.  I thought I was a retarded person.  I thought my life was over and I would never finish college or do anything.  I wanted to die.

I eventually started secretly reducing the medication amounts until I weened myself off of them in the spring of 2006.  I saved myself and my parents thousands of dollars doing this and tons of wear and tear on my body-mind system and I regained my soul, although it was still mostly a pile of crap compared to what it was to become.

And what was it to become??  It was to be set on fire in 2007, when I met Laura Hartung, the reincarnation of Mary Magdalene on myspace.com she was living in Luxembourg, but that will be the subject of our next chapter.  When you finish laughing and making fun of me for the fact that this so-called second coming of Jesus thinks he met Mary Magdalene on the internet.